Welcome to Welcome Furniture, a new UK based bedroom manufacturer. Welcome, from a standing start last year have brought out a wide range of bedroom furniture collections, all fantastically well priced. And the word is that Welcome is doing very well thank you very much and threatening the dominance of Gleneagles Bedroom Furniture and the Tara beech bedroom collection in particular.

From a retailer’s point of view this competition is the best thing that could have happened. Two great companies both exercising their creative juices to find lower costs and enhanced designs. So indeed we have brought in the best of Welcome’s new bedroom ranges but as yet we have resisted the allure of Welcome’s Tara look a like range.

First it doesn’t feel right that Gleneagles has had their range copied. But in this ferociously competitive climate if the quality and price is right loyalty is a virtue that can only be stretched so far. More important we decided to pop over to Oldcastle in County Meath to see how Gleneagles were responding to this new competition.

The Irish never disappoint in their hospitality and we had a lovely day. More importantly we were enormously impressed how well organised and efficient the Gleneagles operation appeared. Modern equipment, best working practices and a burning desire throughout the workforce to produce the best.

We came away thinking that there is life in the old dog yet. Gleneagles know they have to sharpen their pencils but I predict that we shall be seeing the Tara beech bedroom range continuing in our top sellers for a few years yet.

We set them straight. I was also surprised to hear that Kaymed sell as many beds in the south of Ireland as they do in the whole of the UK. How can that be? Do the Irish spend that much more time in bed?

The Kaymed brand in Eire is Odearest (pronounced Oddy Rest) which in old Scots would be Aw Day Rest. Sounds good to me and we are thinking that this new name could be the secret. If we changed our Kaymed Sunset 150 mattress  to the “Aw Day Rest and still get your Brew money”, the Sunset 200 mattress to “Aw Day Rest and still get your nookie”, the Sunset memory 250 mattress to “Aw Day Rest and a bottle of Buckie” - get the idea? Sales will go through the roof.

We had thought our trip to Dublin could have been a waste of time. We knew we’d have a great time, which we did, but you can’t buy inspiration like this can you?

“What?” we exclaimed, “Ali a bed genius?” Ali by the way is the owner of Highgrove Beds and though no-one knows his surname it’s probably not Baba. But it could be….

Another flattering issue is the rumours how the boffins at more celebrated bed brands have been reverse engineering Ali’s beds. They have been rubbing them as hard as they can but they just can’t get the genie out of the bottle.

So to save everyone the extra toil and trouble let me tell you how to work out the secret of Ali’s success. Ask him how many kids he has. Ali is a bed expert and he has the numbers to prove it.

I can only add my plaudits to those of Plimsoll. Ali is much too busy to be opening new accounts so if you want a Highgrove bed or mattress best come to Archers Sleepcentre. Exclusive models, the best divan beds and mattresses and fantastically low low prices. Where have you heard that before? It’s true!

It is with some pride I can attest that none of our shops across Scotland was forced to close during the recent sprinklings of snow. However we had hoped that all those non essential workers, teachers, train drivers etc, who had taken so much time off would use their unexpected free time wisely and buy a new bed or bedroom furniture. But they didn’t.

I have been pouring over our sales figures and I can’t actually correlate sales with our stores that suffered the worst conditions. For example, Cumbernauld required bulldozers and SAS winter training to make it to work. But our Cumbernauld store has been selling beds like RIP Van Winkle has only just awoken. It could be the Cumbernauld folks have finally given up on their straw mattressess and bin bags.

But overall how bad has the snow effect been? My conclusion is one week of snow = 20% loss of sales. I have been reading up on the Greenhouse Effect and the statistical analyses used by that august body the IPPC. It would appear to follow that by 2050 our bed sales will increase by 391%. This is catastrophic. Where will we find the spring units or the memory foam mattresses to fulfil this unprecedented demand?

It’s a cracking read. Each diary entry I think, “Wow, that almost happened to me”. And it occurred to me that if I used a similar style our bed blogs could become a phenomenon too:

Jeudi, le 4 Fevrier

Looked up from my desk to see R and A snogging on our Julian Bowen supra sofa bed. I thought it’s only 10 30 in the morning and a bit early for lying down on the job.

“R”, I said, “It’s C1 on the phone” (C1 is R’s latest lover). There was a bit of giggling but no answer to my exhortation. R knows what a kill joy I can be.

Feeling ignored, I said, “A - that Kaymed premium memory pillow could help you with that position”. But I knew after all her pilates she wouldn’t own up to needing any pelvic support.

I could see it was going to be a long day at the orifice.

Would you believe it?

I only bought the book because Billy Piper featured on the front cover. So Belle’s blogs would have totally passed me by if it hadn’t been for my interest in Dr Who. Always liked science fiction better than sex. Ugh?

Of course we at Archers are an independent, we sell beds and bedroom furniture, and we are based just next door in sunny Glasgow. You could have believed the organisers had set up the exhibition just for us. A big boozey dinner is held on the Monday evening, and being alcoholics too, the coincidences just mount up.

The highlight of the show for us was Kozee Sleep. Their stand was totally black, totally Goth and their prices scarily low. We already show a 4 drawer double divan that retails at £199, but Kozee have come up with a bed at that price that is so good we spent the rest of the show picketing their stand to stop our competitors seeing it.

Highgrove Beds, not to be out shone, have brought out a 1500 memory pocket divan that rivals our top end Kaymed models, but at Highgrove prices. Unbelievable. I left a big brown stain on the middle of the mattress just to put everyone else off. Resourceful eh?

And of course Sealy and Silentnight showed up. They don’t exhibit at the national Birmingham show so their displays were a welcome reminder of what they do. Nothing new this year but that just proves that last year’s changes must have worked.

So now we have to decide what to buy and what models to clear. The midnight oil has been burnt and on Monday we plan to contact all our suppliers and let them know the plan. The Daily Record is waiting for our press release and Jeremy Paxman is waiting for his big moment. He’ll be a rubbish bed salesman.

First. This was the smallest show I ever remember. No Silentnight or Sealy. No Cumfilux or Sleepeezee. No Halls 6, 7 or 8. Even with 3 hard nights on the booze I was fresh as a daisy and could remember who I’d spoken to and what I had bought. This is a first in 17 years.

The highlight of the show had to be Kaymed Beds once again. Their stand was very close to the entrance of Hall 5 and having the best beds at the show I frequently stopped for a quick 40 winks. We have bought one of their new “budget” range divans which will retail at £899. They are responding to Salus who have set up a very similar product proposition and Salus are doing fantastic business. Salus will only supply you if you are over 60 and haven’t heard of the internet. A winning strategy with the gilded second generation furniture stores. Worked for Parker Knoll and Ducal too I remember.

We love Salus because they are invigorating Kaymed to design amazing beds at fantastically low prices. Our feeling is that Kaymed are keeping one step ahead. Let’s hope we have backed the winning nag.

More than ever oak and leather have become like a cancer spreading to the outer reaches of the bedroom furniture universe. Dark furniture and white bedroom furniture are fighting back. Pine is dead and where is beech? Lost in the melting ice caps. The Dodo of the 21st century. We haven’t given up on Mr Beech. We shall keep looking.

Other notable mentions must include Bentley. We only buy Rebecca headboards from Bentley but we got a lovely cup of tea and some of their beds were very tempting if we could persuade millionaires to visit our stores. Julian Bowen was in good form as usual. Keeps telling me how well our internet competition is doing which spurs me on to handcuff our internet team and give em a good whipping.

Anyway I can’t give away all our buying secrets. So if you want to know our really smart buys you’ll just have to come and visit us.

It’s tough when a bed magnate like myself feels uncomfortable spying on the local bed shop competition. Keep getting thrown out you see - false big nose and ears and they still recognise me. So there I am travelling 200 miles to Manchester and Stockport to see what my competition is up to. Dedicated and daft.

First the number of bed shops in Manchester is immense. There has to be 3 times as many bed stores as you would find in Glasgow. They have Bensons and Sleepmasters and Dreams too. Dreary as the corporate boys are I won’t review them. I was impressed by the Bensons in Stockport however. A customer was shown 4 mattresses, each mattress costing £280. Such an efficient way to reduce the number of price tickets you have. And she bought one. A mattress that is, not a price ticket (there was none).

First I should point out that every independent bed shop I visited varied from eccentric to totally loony. Mr Bedds shop sign was Mr edds. Why would you have two names, like the man with two brains? Robin Hood Beds was a terraced house. The bedroom sets were fantastically realistic. You turned on the bedroom light (40 watts for economy) to see the displays. They did have some really good kit and really good prices.

Time for Bed was the best. They had our Prado bed at £99.99 and a really cheap 2 drawer double divan at £149.99. I arrived on the Saturday at 4.55pm  to be told that they were closed. That busy they could close early on a Saturday. I quickly wrote down some prices from their Willis Gambier ranges which were brilliant. And at the NEC furniture show Mr Willis said no I can’t have these prices. Time for Bed has the sole distribution rights for the whole of the UK it seems. Gotta have a word with old man Gambier. I could double his turnover overnight.

Anyway I’m sounding sour again. I had a great time, met some fantastic people and generated some great ideas. So watch this space.

Every retailer shows a shaker style pine bed but I do believe Julian’s shaker style bed, the Barcelona is the best quality and best value out there. It is quite frustrating to see inferior models that other retailers are selling at higher costs. The side rails are made thinner, the timber selection is poorer and the internal fixings less robust.

On an internet site there is no telling, but if there is a God out there, those who buy the Julian Bowen Barcelona will be rewarded by a bed that will last much longer, will be solid and squeak free and provide the purchaser with a bed that does exactly what they hoped.

The Barcelona single, double or king size  bed- a timeless shaker design, made to last.

Julian also took us around his new home. As you would expect from Julian, the attention to detail was amazing. A grand design. I asked him if he would ever build another. Noooo…. was his unequivocal answer. So I am consoled that my artists garret is sufficient for one’s earthly happiness.

We do gaze at our TV screens in wonder at the X factor talent and there right in front of our very eyes is top grade talent you can measure in tonnes (not you Donna btw, I mean yes you Donna on the talent bit, just not the tonnes bit). Sorry Stevie but you are a big guy ideally suited for the Meat Man himself.

Yes I thoroughly enjoyed our Archers Sleepcentre Xmas Training day. The Crazy Golf a bit arbitrary (I should have won), Whacky races a bit juvenile (Seafield proved their immaturity as if no-one previously knew), the food a bit 3rd worldly (edible if you were near starvation) but the karaoke and disco were splendid dude.

Everyone let their hair down. Alan McCarroll, unpartnered for the night, stripped off and proved he still has what it takes to go on 18 to 30 holidays. Kate and Angela proved there is a Santa Claus that even old guys can believe in (best Jingle Bells performance ever - they must have rehearsed for weeks - Angela remembered all the words) and Alex and Billy proved that fighting with handbags is an honourable sport.

Thank you all for a hugely entertaining prelude to the Christmas festivities. Come Boxing Day we have had to return to beds, mattresses and bedroom furniture. If only every day could be sex, drugs and rock and roll.